The Darwin Awards: The Epic Fails Of The Year!

The Darwin Awards are a yearly "Honor" given to those who remove themselves from the human gene pool in a spectacular or moronic manor. They've been going strong since 1985, and i thought Id share this years list with you. Enjoy

THEY'RE HERE!   2011 DARWIN AWARDS You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado,
here are the 2011 Darwin Awards.

Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run. Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarising. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

 

Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt. HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed. RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located. AND THE WINNER IS....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up giant finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected shit knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to drop 200 pounds of shit on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves...                      'Sh i t happens'

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE
FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL

Hoping you have a Darwin free weekend!

The House Of Lies: What People Try To Hide!

I have finally decided to uncover the truth to the world. This may shock or horrify you, but I believe its time. My own family is guilty of this, and so is most of the world.

Generally, your home is in a state of comfort. That means there may be a few dishes, unwashed, in the basin, some newspapers on the table, some breadcrumbs scattered around. Nothing will be done about this...... Until someone is coming to visit. Then, with the madness of the Dunkirk evacuation, it must be cleaned. Innocent (mostly) teenagers are kicked out of bed, orders flying through the atmosphere. Harassed mothers use flannel cloths to wipe down anything that doesn’t talk back, heavily stressed with a manic look in their eyes.

And I cant help but wonder why.

We are just human. The visitor is coming to see YOU, not a five star hotel. They understand that some people work full-time and don't necessarily have domestic help. Its  unfair to expect a house, any house, to look like a property brochure.

So here it is: HOUSES CAN BE CLUTTERED! ITS NOT ILLEGAL!

I think its time that we stopped lying to ourselves and others. Accept what you see or walk into.

So now, I will have coffee, and leave the cup unwashed.

Yeah, bad ass alright.

Just a Note to the Readers

The school year has barely started and I'm already craving another vacation. Going back to school just to hear nagging speeches about how this is the beginning of the rest of your life is frustrating. But it’s the sad truth, life is changing.

No-more playing around or relaxing. Study study study.

So from now on I’ll be posting once a week on weekends. I apologise, but with teachers and parents breathing down my neck I have no choice.

Hopefully I’ll be able to tell an interesting story by Sunday.

Luck everyone!

The Tax Trouble: How We Are Being Fooled Into Poverty

I received this email a while ago. I personally believe that South Africa is a potentially brilliant country, but as a writer its important to express a multitude of views. This email was about the taxation problems.

Taxes and Open Road Toll Fees

People should not install the transponders but still use the highways and force the government to issue accounts and summonses to all motorists until such time they drop the prices. The government will be forced to send out millions of accounts every month and they don't have the manpower to do it. This is the best and easiest way to boycott the system. What is the government going to do about motorists from other neighbouring countries that don't have these transponders?
South Africans are too complacent and its time we fight back. WE have paid for these roads. Now they are also proposing a 1% tax to fund the SABC.

This news has to be spread!!!!!!!!

Has anyone thought about just how much tax we are already paying?

a. 35% on your salary
b.14% on everything you buy (bar fresh produce) and services rendered.
c. Carbon tax if you buy a new car (besides the 14% VAT you have to pay)
d. Tax on the fuel you put in your car to run it.
e. Toll on our roads – and for some it is going to come to a whopper of 10% of your salary (If you earn R10 000.00 a R1 000 would go toward tolling if you migrate between Pretoria and Joburg every day.) – Bully to try and pacify me with the idea that I can claim it back from my income tax!!! I have to fork out the money first. Going on holiday to Durban? Remember to save up your R1000.00 for tolling.

To say the least – For every R10.00 you earn, the government is already taking approx R6.00 and still they want more. Are you happy with the R4.00 you are getting?

NICE!!!!!

When are we going to get up and do something about it? Where is all the money going to? It is definitely not being spent on what it should be – our hospitals are in a state of disrepair, our schools in shambles, our roads full of potholes, our water contaminated, sewers not working, left in the dark because Eskom failed to do their upgrades, the poor are poorer still, municipalities on the brink of collapse, and so the list goes on.

Heard about the youth day celebration that cost R100 million? Mmmm... did you pay for it?
Oh yes sir/madam you did! R100 million that could have paid for a couple of things our country needed more.
And to put the numbers in perspective:


The  next time you hear an SA politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you wanted the 'politicians'  spending YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its press releases:
A.   A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B.   A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C.   A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
D.  A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E.    A billion Rand ago was only 27 hours and 12 minutes at the rate our SA government is spending it. (a billion rand a day??!!)

Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporation Tax
Income Tax
Value Added Tax

Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel License Tax
Petrol/Diesel Tax
Hunting License Tax
Luxury Tax
Property Tax
Service charge taxes
Capital gains Tax
Social Security Tax

Securities Transfer Tax
Road Usage Tax  
Local Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Worker's Compensation Tax
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Hardly any of these taxes existed 20 years ago...
We had absolutely no national debt...
We had the largest middle class in Africa and Mum had the choice to stay at home to raise the kids.
What the HELL happened ?
ANSWER :
Look at the Government..... They may have had noble intentions at the start, but have since become corrupt.
 

I  hope this goes around at least a billion times

I found it interesting to think about. The ANC may have fulfilled their purpose, shouldn't they stand aside and let a new party rule South Africa?

Only time will tell.

I Hate Your Guts; How I Found a Lifelong Partner in Comedy

Going to a new school is never easy. Everything looks different, everyone is a stranger.

And having some random chick you barely know hate you doesn’t help at all.

She was in my french class. A tall, skinny, dark haired girl. One who looked daggers at me every time I walked past or raised my hand. I had barely even spoken to her, how could she dislike me so intensely? Well, if she was going to play that game, so was I.

She was going to get a taste of her own medicine.

But then something so unbelievable happened, all my plans just failed. We both auditioned for the school musical. On the same night. And after that, she wasn’t that girl from french class anymore. She was Leizelle. A funny, smart and mad as a hatter possible friend that I spoke to almost every day.

She was the wittiest person I had ever met. Her retorts were so sharp that if you challenged her it was officially Hara-Kiri. She always had time for a joke, a comforting word. And although she was the nicest person I knew, she was never afraid to stand up for herself or others. She was a genius, and I loved anticipating what crazy thing she would do next. Knowing her, it was bound to  be hysterically funny.

I’m sad to say I didn’t gain a friend.

But I did gain a sister.

And I think that is way more kick-ass.

She is one of the only people I know that makes you laugh so hard you have to lie down to recover, gasping for air and tears streaming from your eyes. We share relationship woes, discuss new possibilities and always share food. Now if that isn't a sign of family, I don’t know what is.

She's a singer. She's a model. She's a dancer. She's a comedian. She's a therapist. She's a baby-sitter. She's a philosopher.

But most of all, she's my sister.

For Lei :)

The Torture that is High School: It Never Ends

One of my favourite bands of all time, Bowling for Soup, have a song named “High school never ends”. And not only is the song good, but there have never been truer words spoken.I think it must suck to suffer right through high school, then graduate thinking you would get away from “those people”. You find a job, and walk in prepared for the mature adult world.

Ha freaking Ha.

“4 Years and  you think for sure

That’s all you’ve got to endure

All the total dicks, all the stuck-up chicks

So superficial, so immature.

Then when you graduate

You take a look around and you say “Hey wait!”

This is the same as where I just came from

I thought it was over

Well that’s just great”

Your boss is the typical head boy or girl. They demand respect and are deemed the smartest and most responsible people in the office. Top of the food chain. You, just starting an internship or job shadowing, are the rookie. The Fetch-me-coffee-twerp rookie. You could just, if you stand on your toes, see the bottom of the food chain.

Welcome to the corporate business world.

Your colleagues will be like your classmates. There will be the typical jocks, their sport glory days just visible after all this time. They will talk about upcoming games and matches. Then you will find the anti-social people. They are like the loners in high school. They never come to business functions, and say little to nothing about themselves. Very mysterious-like.

You will also find the “nerds”. People with unusual, or different hobbies. The people that are excluded for no reason. The populars have to grace the office with an appearance of course, perfectly groomed. They will be either very nice, or snobbish beyond. And then, luckily, you get the people. No descriptions, or add-ons. Just normal, nice, every day people who come to work to make a living.

And the conversations in the office will be just like the song:

” The whole damn world is just as obsessed with who's the best dressed

And who's having sex.

Who's got the money, who gets the honeys, who's kinda cute

And who's just a mess.

And you still don’t have the right look, and you don’t have the right friends.

Nothing changes but the faces, the names and the trends...

High School Never Ends.”

Guess we should get used to it while we can then..

Bowling for Soup- High School Never Ends music video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrxI_euTX4A&ob=av3e

The Evil Hold of the Sinister Cookie Monster

Someone find me a dietary priest or a fitness guru, because I've been taken over by a monster. And I believe it is the most terrifying monster of all...

The cookie monster.

Everyone always says that over Christmas holidays you should forget your diets and shakes to enjoy yourself. Unfortunately, these exorbitant Christmas feastings are just the start of your new weight complex development. With all these treats at your disposal, you give it all you’ve got and eat as if there's no tomorrow, or to not offend the people you visit.

And its not like the chocolate chip cookies are low fat, or the ice-cream, or the mouth watering puddings, or the succulent, rich slabs of chocolate that....

I'm so hungry.

And that’s exactly where it starts. Since you live on a quite strict health diet, and are now used to festive season treats, you continue to eat them right through January. Oh, you tell yourself that you will start working out next week, but next week becomes another three cookies hovering into your mouth. And of course the wonderful invention of television means you sit there all day doing what? Eating. While gorgeous and healthy people prance about on the screen in front of you.

I'm not saying treats are all bad, they have benefits too. But it’s a moderation thing, and I think we end up overdoing it.

My advice?

Keep eating, but measure portions, and mainly EXERCISE more.

Take your dogs for a walk around the block. Walk to the nearby shops instead of driving. For the brave there is even running. For the not so brave, skip the elevators and take the stairs. Small, every day changes that could leave you healthier and vitalised.

I am going to try my best by starting small, then working my way up.

But first I have to put the cookie back in the tin.

Life is hard!

Coming Home; Houses that are Alive

I think the strangest part of travelling is coming home, especially if you’ve been away for a long period of time. You walk in the door, and even though you know this is your house, you feel awkward. The type of awkward that you get when you visit someone for the first time. You unpack your bags and feel just a little bit like you are in a hotel room. Everything has been shut for a long time.

And now that you are back, the house will breathe of energy and life again.

Ive often found that houses have a feel to them. You sense it as you walk through the door. The energy in the house is a reflection of the people who live there, and that is why newly bought houses feel strange and unwelcoming for the first while. If it is an angry or abusive household, you could find a feeling of hostility, or just a quick thought of: “Something's off”.

Happy houses always make you want to come back. You love visiting, and the people are pleasant. Then you just get houses that have people in them, but aren't being lived in.

For now, I'm enjoying my last few days of vacation, and I am home.

I think.

Under the Sun: The White Mask Of Murder

Under the Sun: The White Mask Of Murder: A teahouse filled with men and geisha. A shamisen starts playing. The light shows a figure, her patterned kimono shimmering under the lante...

Star Wars and Fever: How its ok to be sick on New Year's

I would love to say that I spent New Year’s at some crazy party, dancing and drinking until 2012 came. But I didn’t. Instead I was running a fever, and spent the night taking medicine and watching Star Wars with my family. And in some strange way it was a lot of fun, except for being sick.

Generally I find a lot of people get sick at the end of the year. Just as soon as you have those few days of vacation, you end up getting flu so bad you practically need an iron lung. And of course this spoils your entire holiday spirit.

Sadly, you can blame no-one but yourself.

Nowadays, vacations are more like work to be honest. Six hundred people want to meet you, or go out. If you have kids you have to take them everywhere, as well as entertaining them. You are expected to cook 3-4 meals a day, deserts apart, and clean the house. If people come over you have to make the effort to look good and keep them welcome. So its not as if you relax more than you did while you were working.

Eventually, after months of work, and now suffering the few vacation days, your system draws the line. In some warped way it thinks that by making you sick, you will finally slow down and get some rest. And its true, you finally do.

Whether it be from severe medication, or plain exhaustion, I hope that everyone gets rest in the very last days of vacation.

Have a happy New Year.