Practical Approach to Horror Movies in South Africa

Even as you are reading this you picture the scene. Terrified group of people, chased by some entity/killer/psycho through an abandoned house/town/factory and are picked off one by one, generally with guts and blood a plenty. You slowly realise that this is the plot of just about every horror you have ever seen. But if any of these movies had been made to the specifics of South Africa, things would be quite different.

For starters, every South African is raised with a certain paranoia typical of a country with a relevant crime rate. From birth we are taught if a stranger approaches you it sure as hell isn’t to say hello. We also don’t randomly go to abandoned places, because obviously ladies and gents THERE IS A REASON ITS ABANDONED IN THE FIRST PLACE!!

But if that doesn’t work and we find ourselves in a strange place we don’t look for trouble either. Something is rattling in the basement? Bru, let it rattle its not bothering anyone. Think you saw something? The entire group will pull out some sort of self-defense weapon.

Another thing. Know how women and  black people are killed first? Ai kona not in SA. Here women have martial arts training, tazers, knives and whether you are isiZulu, isiXhosa or Sesotho the attacker has no chance of getting by. We are nothing if not a violent country. The killer would just try a move and the South Africans will engage him in a heated argument, another thing we are deadly at.

Oh, and none of this running to useless places. The roof, the basement the abandoned barns... How are any of these useful? Answer: they aren’t. Which is why we would just walk out the door or climb out a window.

I don’t know. So far the South African horror sounds more like a comedy. Firstly we won’t stray into the trap, then when we don’t follow the rattles or strange noises and when the poor killer finally loses his temper and attacks us we beat him senseless and then casually stroll out the front door.

I would watch that movie!